When M and I broke up I cried for 3 days and left the office to go home at random times between 3-5pm. The second night of all this was S’s birthday at the Dalloway. I texted her asking how dark the bar was and also I was going to be late because M had sent me an email and I had started crying again and it was going to be a minute. When I finally pulled myself together and showed up the bar was coincidentally having a colored glow stick bracelet party. Green for single, orange for taken, purple for DTF. So which one are you, asked the hostess at the front door. DTF, I replied, eyes probably bloodshot. I couldn’t yet append the ‘single’ label to myself. I had forgotten this happened until S brought it up recently as an example of what a trooper I can be.
I really hate it when people value supposed ‘rational’ arguments over ‘emotional’ ones. Feelings are what make us human. Humanity is a beautiful thing. My mother used to do this all the time. I say ‘used to’ because I don’t talk very much to her anymore so I wouldn’t really know if she still does this. Who are you to tell me what I’m feeling isn’t valid or even REAL because you are coming from a different lived experience (who am I to tell you the same)? If you are feeling a feeling it matters that you are feeling it and it is real because you are feeling it. And how do you know you are not resorting to rationality and logic in an attempt to bury your emotions (hint I think you are)?
It’s been over a year and I finally feel nothing — a nothingness full of possibility. I think I’m ready, I’ve typed over and over again, just to delete it, but I’m not just going to think it anymore. I am ready.